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The Old Maid – Oklahoma Farm & Ranch
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Country Lifestyle

The Old Maid

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This cowboy is believed to be H. Rhodes. (Photo courtesy of Chain Ranch)

By Ralph Chain

Of all the men who worked for us throughout the years, one fellow really stands out in my mind. His name was H. Rhodes, but we called him “H.” H, I guess, could be called a drifter. He was an outstanding person when it came to breaking mules, which we had a lot of. You never knew he was coming, and you never knew when he was leaving. He might come and stay a week or a month or more.

He had a room in my grandmother’s house upstairs where he slept. He always stayed with my grandparents. He knew he always had a job here because he was such a good hand. H was jolly, always laughing, and always brought his guitar and a saddle. He taught me to play the guitar and taught me several songs. One of them was the “Old Maid,” which I never heard before or since.

H taught me that song when I was a little boy, along with some other songs—”Birmingham Jail,” “Frankie and Johnnie” and other old songs.

H also enjoyed the occasional drink. A dance hall was located in Chester, Okla., and another one in Longdale, Okla. One Saturday night H went to Chester and got high on “joy juice.”

He came home Sunday morning to my grandparent’s house. He had gotten married to a girl while they were both drunk, but H said he wanted to stay here and work. We had a small house where they lived for about six months. I do not remember whether H left or the girl, but the marriage didn’t last.

H stayed here awhile and then vanished for some time. We did not know where he went, but one day he came back with his guitar and saddle. He took me out to the car he was driving and said he wanted to show me something. In the trunk was a brand new saddle he had just bought. H stayed for a day or two and then left.

Later on, I found out he had gone to Nevada and worked on a large ranch, more than a million acres, for seven or eight months. He came back, took me out to the car and showed me the saddle. It was nearly worn out.

He said, “That saddle has been my home ever since I left here.” H stayed awhile and then came by one day and said, “I’m going to the U.S. Army. The next time you see me I will be in a wooden overcoat,” meaning a casket. He thought he would get killed, but to his surprise, he survived the war. After a brief visit following his return from the war,
I never saw him again. I think he went to Idaho and died there.

A year or so back, I was asked to give a speech at the Kingfisher County Cattlemen’s Association. I had my guitar and sang two or three songs after my speech. One of the songs was the “Old Maid” that H had taught me. The owner of the Kingfisher County newspaper was there and heard my story and songs, and wrote an article about me.

About a week after the speech I gave in Kingfisher, I received a call from a lady. She said that she used to live in Kingfisher and received the Kingfisher newspaper.

She read my story about the song of the “Old Maid” that I sung. She went on to say that she used to live on a ranch in Nevada, and she remembered a cowboy singing a song about an old maid.

She wondered if that could be the same song. I told her the words to the song over the telephone, and she was amazed and said, “That is the same song I remember the cowboy singing that one night when I was a girl living on this ranch.”

I have often wondered if that could’ve been H. Rhodes who sang the song that the girl heard. She told me her name and the ranch she lived on.

I have never heard the song sung to anyone before or after. That’s the end of the story.

The Old Maid song:

Let me tell you a story of a burglar man who started to rob a house.

He peeked in the window and then he crept as quietly as a mouse.

He was thinking of the money he’d get as under the bed he lay.

But he saw an awful sight that night that made his hair turn gray.

About 9:00 an old maid came in, “I’m so tired,” she said.

She was thinking all was well and forgot to check under the bed.

She took out her teeth, her big glass eye and the hair right off of her head.

This burglar man had 19 fits and came from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar came; he was a total wreck.

The old maid didn’t holler at all—she just grabbed him around the neck.

From the drawer she drew a revolver and to this burglar said,

“Young man you’ll have to marry me or I’ll blow off the top of your head.”

He looked at her teeth and her big glass eye, and he had no room to scoot.

He said to the old maid standing by, “Woman, for the Lord’s sake shoot!”

I have never heard the song sung to anyone before or after.

Country Lifestyle

Farm Dogs & Table Scraps

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Growing up on a farm, our dogs were tough. They roamed the pastures, slept under the barn, and ate just about anything they could get their paws on—whether we meant for them to or not. I’ll admit, I never thought twice when one of our old cow dogs snatched a biscuit off the table or licked up a spill from the barn floor. I’ve even seen a dog steal a whole rib bone off a plate and trot off like he’d won the lottery. And somehow, they always seemed fine.

But here’s the thing—just because they survived doesn’t mean it was safe. For every farm dog that lucked out, there’s another that wasn’t so fortunate. Some human foods can be downright toxic to dogs, and a little bit of bad luck (or a smaller, more sensitive dog) can turn a harmless snack into an emergency.

Common toxic foods lying around the farmhouse

Are table scraps good for your dog? (Stock photo)

If you’ve got a farm dog—or any dog, really—you need to be aware of the dangers lurking in everyday foods. Some of the biggest culprits include:

Chocolate – The darker it is, the worse it is. Even a little can cause vomiting, seizures, or worse.

Grapes & Raisins – No one’s exactly sure why, but they can cause kidney failure fast.

Onions & Garlic – In large enough amounts, these can destroy red blood cells, leading to anemia.

Xylitol (Found in Sugar-Free Gum & Candy) – This artificial sweetener can send a dog’s blood sugar crashing and cause liver failure.

Alcohol – Even small amounts can be deadly to dogs, affecting their nervous system much more than it does ours.

Bones from Cooked Meat – While not necessarily toxic, they can splinter and cause serious internal injuries.

Macadamia Nuts – These can lead to weakness, vomiting, and even paralysis in dogs.

What to do if your dog eats something toxic

First, don’t panic—but don’t ignore it either. If you know your dog ate something dangerous, call your vet immediately. They can tell you whether to induce vomiting or if it’s something that requires urgent care. If it’s after hours, contact the ASPCA Animal Poison Control Center (888-426-4435) or the Pet Poison Helpline (855-764-7661).

Prevention is always the best medicine, so keep toxic foods out of reach. That might mean keeping the trash can secured, making sure kids don’t slip the dog a treat under the table, or just being more mindful of what’s left on the counter.

Our farm dogs might have been lucky, but luck isn’t a great strategy when it comes to their health. A little awareness goes a long way in making sure they stay happy, healthy, and ready for the next day’s work.

For more information
ASPCA Animal Poison Control: www.aspca.org/pet-care/animal-poison-control

Pet Poison Helpline: www.petpoisonhelpline.com

Visit www.akc.org/expert-advice/nutrition/foods-your-dog-should-never-eat

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Country Lifestyle

Summer Squash and Corn Chowder

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By Lacey Vilhauer

Total time: 40 minutes

Servings: 6-7

Ingredients

  • 6 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled and 1 1/2 Tbsp rendered bacon fat reserved
  • 1 1/2 lbs yellow squash, chopped (about 3 medium)
  • 2/3 cup thinly sliced celery
  • 1 cup diced onion
  • 1 Tbsp flour
  • 2 cloves garlic, minced
  • 2 3/4 cup milk (I used 1%)
  • 5 cups canned or fresh cut corn (from about 6 ears corn), divided
  • 1/2 cup heavy cream
  • 1 1/2 tsp chopped fresh thyme (or 1/2 tsp dried)
  • 3/4 tsp salt, then more to taste
  • 1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper, then more to taste if desired
  • 3/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese, for serving
  • Chopped green onion for garnish (optional)
  •  

Instructions

Heat 4 tsp reserved bacon fat in a large pot over medium-high heat. Add celery and onion and sauté 2 minutes then add the squash. 

Saute until tender, about 6 minutes, adding in garlic and flour during last 2 minutes of sauteing. Reduce heat slightly.

Add 1 1/2 cups milk, 2 cups of the corn, thyme, salt and pepper to the sauteed veggies. 

To a blender add remaining 3 cups of corn, remaining 1 1/4 cups milk and the cream. Process in blender until nearly smooth (about 30 seconds). 

Add pureed mixture to pot and stir to blend. Cook until mixture reaches a light boil. 

Serve warm with shredded cheese, crumbled bacon and sliced green onions if desired.

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Country Lifestyle

Western Housewives – May 2025

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By Summer McMillen

All my married life I have thought that when husbands all got together horseback after a hard days work they were probably rating their wives on a scale from one to ten based on their various capabilities. Did Wife A have a good hat crease? Was Wife B good help in the branding pen? Was Wife C an excellent mother? Was Wife D hospitable to everyone? Could Wife E make a decent gallon of sweet tea? Did Wife F keep a tidy saddle house?

Presumably, when Wife B did not live up to Wife A there was a fist fight followed by wife shaming of Husband B. His status amongst the cowboys immediately fell and he would be behind for the rest of his life in his cowboy career.

He would come home ashamed his wife couldn’t flambé a decent bananas foster and she couldn’t hoolihan either. He would be distraught and said wife would feel his pain.

Of course, this never happened to me like I thought it would. My husband always came home with a smile on his face and I’m pretty sure “flambé” isn’t even in a cowboys vocabulary.

Nonetheless, these imaginary fights and social rankings have plagued my brain for years.    It has caused me to always be in competition with myself to be the very best at everything I did. Which I have eventually realized is a trait of women all around the world.

While we are cooking a four course meal for our families we start to think about how we actually should be practicing heading steers instead.

While we are practicing our horsemanship we start to think about how we should actually be preparing a nutritious and elaborate meal for our families.

It is a constant battle that women have created and proceeded to fight for centuries.

One day the inner battle got to me and I finally broke down as we were riding wheat pasture and confessed to my husband my guilt. I was so sorry that I wasn’t a better cowgirl. I was so sorry that the house was a mess. I was so sorry that I would never be on The Cowboy Channel. I was so sorry that I had lost his good pair of gloves. (Except I didn’t actually mean to confess that last part. Some things are just better left unknown.)  I apologized again and again and told him I was sorry and he probably never wanted to bring his friends over for supper ever again.

Instead of consoling me, he just started looking at me like I was crazy. Which is what all good husbands do.

He stopped his horse and looked at me and said “Do you know how cowboys rate each other’s ranch wives?”

So many thoughts started filling my brain. Was it looks? Gentleness? Laundry speed? Work ethic?

Then he revealed their secret. “Cowboys rate  each other’s wives by how well they can cook eggs for breakfast.”

His point of course, was that men don’t think about each other’s wives. As long as they get their eggs for breakfast. In another twist of irony, my husband taught me how to fry the perfect egg. What can I say? It’s a man’s world.

Since then, I have let go of my irrational fears and doubt and have simply been living life. It’s all anyone can do. I may not team rope the best. I may get my fingers when I’m trying to dally and I may not have the tidiest saddle house. But I try hard at everything I do and I do it all out of love for my family and finally, myself.

So, if you’re a woman this Mother’s Day and you catch yourself feeling down amongst life constant pressures just remember you are not alone. You can almost guarantee there is a woman in every household that needs a little pick me up. Maybe you should just go outside. Maybe you should sit down and count your blessings. Or, maybe you should have your husband fry you some eggs.

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